Friday, 11 January 2013
Day in the life of an Evil Patriarch(TM).
6:00 am: Wake up in secret volcano base, fresh and ready for another day of oppression and misogyny.
6:05 am: Curl and wax moustache in an appropriately evil manner, ensure that top hat, monocle and cane are in top condition. You can't be an Evil Patriarch(TM) without looking the part.
6:15 am: Practice twirling moustache in an appropriately evil manner.
6:45 am: Breakfast is served in the refectory. On the menu is: baked sammich, sammich juice, coffee brewed with fresh sammich grounds, and sammich salad, all fresh from the mines. A nice glass wall in the side of the refectory allows Evil Patriarchs dining within a grand overview of the sammich mines (known informally as the "kitchen") and the women toiling within
7:30 Brief inspection of the upper levels of the salt - er, I mean sammich mines, with the thirty-second oppression brigade as escort. Bacon and lettuce deposits are still workable, while a tomato vein has been tapped out - arrangements are made to move womenfolk down to the second pickle shaft further underground. Shipments of aprons and spatulas are made and distributed appropriately.
9:00 am: Hold workshop on Game in conference room thirty-four of the secret volcano base. Young nice guys who are really creeps are taught to hypnotise women into having sex with them, the logistics of real hypnosis notwithstanding.
10:30 am: Game workshop is done for the day; the Game-aware omegas, gammas and deltas are sent out into the world to exercise their dastardly deeds in the name of the Evil Patriarchy(TM) and rob young carousel-riding women of the alpha male they so rightfully deserve. A hovercraft is dispatched to send the lads to the mainland; reports begin to trickle in steadily from others in the field. Cackle maniacally at evil undesirable men tricking women into spreading their legs for them, without any decision-making on the part of those poor dears as to whether they really should be putting out for these guys.
11:00 am: Receive daily blowjob from favourite brainwashed woman, who coincidentally is also naked (except for the chain leading back to the "kitchen"), barefoot and pregnant. Cackle evilly once more, twirl moustache for extra effect. Another tick towards the rape and beating quota is added, as all hetrosexual sexual activity is counted as rape.
12:00 pm: Working lunch with the Evil Patriarchy(TM) Obfuscation Committee. Goal: to further the ends of the Evil Patriarchy(TM) by benefiting women so as to create positive discrimination. This will ensure that none of them figure out that men and their penises, right down to babies moments out of the womb, are all conspiring against them. Orders are given to double down on the obfuscation by channelling yet more government funding in that direction. Memos are sent out.
3:00 pm: Observe the formal induction of the latest batch of boys into the ranks of the Evil Patriarchy(TM). Twelve year-olds from all across the globe are flown into the Evil Patriarchy(TM)'s secret volcano base and escorted to the ballroom. There, they receive their official gold-lined Evil Patriarchy(TM) membership cards and are taught the secret handshake of the Evil Patriarchy(TM). Boys dying of malnourishment and child soldiers are educated at length about how, due to their simple existence and the fact they possess a penis, that they can magically keep down a SWPL on the other side of the globe.
3:05 pm: Slight mishap during the Evil Patriarchy(TM) induction ceremony as the Ugandan boys keep on emptying the pastry trays. The Evil Patriarchy(TM) commands amazing catering resources, but even that has its limits.
3:15 pm: Benefits of membership in the Evil Patriarchy(TM) are explained at length, including but not limited to: free dental care, a time-share at the secret underwater base, the privilege of working a 60-hour week or two jobs to cover for a nagging, frigid wife who'll frivorce you for your assets and any children anyways, the privilege of being more likely to be killed on said job and dying earlier, so on and so forth. The dental care is acknowledged to be pretty good, though, as is the discount on hats.
3:25 pm: Induction ceremony proceeds with much banging on drums and dancing around the mystical twenty-foot golden phallus that occupies the middle of the secret volcano base. Volcano takes this opportunity to erupt, which is taken as a good portent.
3:40 pm: Induction ceremony ends. Boys are shuttled back to their respective countries. Ugandan boys reluctant to return to war and starvation, but must return or else their existences will not generate enough magical sparkly oppression to meet production quotas.
4:00 pm: Group of Chinese boys found hiding behind the girth of the mystical golden phallus, unwilling to return to their lives of child labour in dingy sweatshops. They are properly spanked and sent back to their destined duty of oppression and misogyny with the magical penises of doom. Much moustache twirling ensues.
4:30 pm: Meeting with the Society of Brainwashed Women, a wholly-owned subsidiary of the Evil Patriarchy(TM) consisting of women who are so foolish as to have vestiges of independent thought and fail to conform to enlightened feminist doctrine. Dress code for all women present is barefoot and pregnant.
4:40 pm: Standards and quotas are reviewed for the following activities: sister-punishing, gender betrayal, and giving good advice. It is pointed out that sister-punishing has fallen short of the quota by 8%, women responsible for the shortfall immediately assume the approved submissive doormat position and beg to be literally whipped into line. Evil Patriarchy(TM) whips are dispensed for self-flagellation in the case that enough men cannot be summoned to dole out the whipping.
5:00 pm: Meeting has been derailed into a discussion on the use of herbal extracts in uteral toning. The ladies are left to their discussion and the meeting is called to an early end, although the whips are left in the room for further self-flagellation if need be.
5:15 pm: Dinner is served. On the menu are sammich au lait, peanut butter and jelly sammiches, sammich mousse, toasted sammich and sammich casserole. Light talk is made with fellow Evil Patriarchs over how to best subjugate and control women. Theme for the discussion: impose consequences for choices that women make. Gold stars are awarded for the best suggestions and pasted on the notice board in the refectory to much applause.
6:15 pm: Make broadcast through the Old Boys Network, a form of communication so secret that the fact that it is not tangible or visible in any shape or form is taken as proof of its existence. All world leaders are reminded to comply with the Evil Patriarchy(TM) regulations that were discussed during lunchtime. Non-compliance will be severely punished with a trip to the Phallus Palace.
7:00 pm: Seventy-second grand council of the Hair Club for Men goes into session. Much hushed whispering is had behind closed doors. A heavy aura of...auraness hangs over conference room seventy-four.
7:30 pm: Ominous chanting can be heard from behind the doors. Men passing by in the corridor catch the jitters, women mysteriously aroused. The Hair Club must certainly be holding a lively party for everyone to be joining in!
9:30 pm: Turn in after a hard day's work of oppressing wymmyn, but not before receiving one last blowjob from yon evil patriarch's brainwashed, submissive woman. Remove monocle and top hat, ensure moustache is still appropriately evil and curly.